Today's my 1st day of being unemployed again.

My repertoire today starts with meeting up my eldest stepbrother EZ at 1330 to talk about the problems he's facing with his daughter, my niece Mira, then I'll be down to meet up with Yumei to order my new PC as I've since returned Wang's PC, probably shop for some shirts and a pair of pants or 2 after that before going to the business seminar at 1900 at Shaw Centre.

I can only sustain myself financially for 2 weeks at most so I'm giving myself the same amount of time to figure out whether or not to go into business before I decide to go find a job again. I've signed up for a few business workshops for next week and hopefully I get to meet up with people who has the same intention as me and also to gather as much information and knowledge.

All the doors that I've walked through my whole life have been those that happened to be there and never the ones that I've chosen so I'm just giving myself a fair shot at exploring this idea. All I want is to maximize my full potential.



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Jimmy, the new logistics executive who replaces Bob The Amazing has asked to have a chat with me before I leave. He's seriously hoping that I'd stay.

I don't know what he has in mind but I'll listen to what he has to say tomorrow at lunch after work. The thing is, out of the 3 man team, 2 of us are leaving by the end of the next work week but Jimmy has only asked me to stay. It must be worth something.



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I couldn't help but post something here again. For all the bells and whistles, once again my Perth trip is not meant to be. According to my school schedule, my course was supposed to commence again in July but I was told this evening that it's gonna be accelerated and hence it will now re-commence on May the 4th.

I don't know whether to be sad or excited.

At work, I've been asked to change my mind and stay by quite a few people already but my answer for now would have to be no.



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I finished serving my NS in the army in June 2003. At almost 24 I had nothing to show and nothing to fall back on to start life on a new note.

During my army days, I've managed to save about $2000. I had planned to take myself and my mom to Perth for a short vacation. For me, it was to be a well-deserved reward for having survived the duties associated with being a sergeant at one of the toughest army units. It was also because I've always wanted to see Perth ever since my sister moved there when I was 13. I'm the only member of my family who hasn't been there. For my mom, it was to be a reward for her for sticking by me throughout my army life. My mom and I were never close but my army stint brought us closer.

But it was not to be.

Some of the money that I entrusted to another sibling was used up to my disappointment. To add to that, my sister in Perth found out she's got thyroid gland cancer and she didn't want my mom to know. So I was caught in no-man's land. I decided to not go ahead even if it'd break my mom's heart. She was really looking forward to it. I tried explaining to her the reasons behind this decision to this day but she just wouldn't understand. She's already found out about my sister's cancer late last year anyway.

I entered the workforce at the wrong time. The world was and still is going through another depression. Somehow I felt maybe it was me that is wrong in the 1st place. I started blaming everything, even myself. Not the right racial group, not qualified enough, not enough experience in any single industry, just not good enough in the eyes of the world!

I'm an angry young man... or maybe I'm a young man in too much of a hurry.

I'm in my mid-20s and have nothing. Everything I own is not truly mine. Every cent I earn isn't for me. I'm in a hurry to get out of this situation and that makes me mad.

I've been working since I was 13 besides schooling and that's not trying to hoot my own trumpet. I'm not short on life experiences. I realize something about myself though. It seems that I'm forever in search of something but I don't know what I'm searching for. Something tells me I'll only know it when I find it.

Since leaving the army almost a year ago I've held 3 different jobs. It seems like I'm a serial job-hopper. It's really not the way to go at the current economic climate and especially in the situation I'm in but I have a vision of what I want to do and where I want to be and none of these places seemed right.

For the time being I'm undergoing a diploma/advanced diploma course in logistics management. I knew I wanted to study again after leaving my polytechnic business diploma course prematurely years ago but I felt to study a business discipline again was a step in the wrong direction. It wouldn't set me apart from the thousands of other business graduates in the job market right now. I've always known that I'd run my own business one day so I took on logistics. That'd provide me the knowledge of how businesses run behind the scene. I think business sense comes instinctively and I believe I have that.

I'm currently working at Menlo Worldwide as a material handler. 13 more days from this day and I'd say my last goodbye to this place. Being here has provided me with increased knowledge of the logistics industry but like I've mentioned, some things don't feel right. I'm very tempted to list them all now but suddenly an imaginary bubble pops on top of my head. It reminds me of the advice from someone whom I respect a lot, David who's a dear family friend. He once told me, "to move forward, one must stop blaming the past".

I plan to go on that vacation to Perth I've been dying so much to do in May. It all depends on whether I have enough money for the air ticket. I can't even afford a flea in a flea market at the moment.

Apart from the stress that I've incurred for myself, there are other factors why I so want to go for this vacation.

1. The family saga
a. the molest case
b. the 2 ongoing almost divorces
c. the divide

2. The future
a. to find a job that offers me job satisfaction
b. to start my own business
c. to emigrate

I need to hideaway from point 1 as well as I need time away to think deeply and clearly about point 2.

All I want to achieve out of point 2 is to earn enough to pay the rent, the school fees, the bills, money for my mom, for lunch, to watch a movie every once in a while, to have a decent social life after work, to travel... .

It's not asking too much if I'm willing to work for it.

Till then. If you've read this far. This could be my final post here. I'm thinking of setting up another blog account for my eyes only.

Thank you. You've all been a joy to meet. I'm honoured to have been a small part of your history and I hope you feel the same way about me too. Cheers always!





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Once again Mr Loobz has shot his exam paper down to hell. This time it's the International Transportation module. I reckon I'd gotten 70% of the question correct and that's really being humble. This module is a little tougher for me since I joined the classes only on the 3rd week since it commenced. It doesn't help that there are jargons in there which I would only associate with aliens.

Enough on that.

Thinking about my wee Perth trip now. I don't know if I could even afford the tickets. I'm starting to lose faith at the way my life is going right now coz it's just going to the dogs. It is very disappointing to live life this way. Now I know how those video game characters feel when they get hit by 10 hit combos. It just keeps coming. I really don't see the point.

Anyway I found out my ticket's gonna cost me in excess of $600 which is heavy on me to be honest. If I had half that amount in disposable income every month I'd spend it on my lunch everyday but I don't. Walking on a thin rope right now...I'm afraid I might fall off any time.



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All things permitting, I'll be heading downunder for a sabbatical next month. I don't know for how long but I feel that I owe myself a break before I spontaneously combust.

I've been wanting to go to Perth for 12 years. Nearly went there last year after my NS in June but things happening within my family held me back. Things are still happening like an overplayed soap opera now but this time I'm afraid I have to be a little selfish. My biggest challenge is money - or the lack of it.

I'm going there to ponder about some things in my life. I have a sister there but I don't necessarily have to stay with her family. Maybe I'd just drop by long enough to say hi, have a little chat, fix up her computer and teach her how to use the Internet and then off I go. My plan is to have no plan.

The kind of person I am, I need a lotta freedom, a lotta space, I need to stimulate my mind and I'm not getting it here in Singapore. At least at the rate I'm going. I need to get away to straighten out my life.



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I don't wanna sound cocky but I breezed through my Warehouse Management module exam paper just now. My gut feeling says I could've got 80% of the questions right. All the hours after work I go to school, all those hours after I work I hit my books at home instead of hanging out, all those burnt Sundays, all those cramping-notes-into-my-head sessions... .

Ha ha! I sound like I've just gotten my Advance Diploma but in fact I've just finished 1 measly exam paper.

Well, one module down. 9 modules, 12 months and $5700 more to go.



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I've been a bad boy...bad. In a snap, I made a decision to not go to work this morning and called in sick. Well, the bug going around has not really missed me but what made me decide to do just that this morning was because I felt unmotivated to go to work. No excuses.



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It's been really hard trying to keep my discipline intact these days. I've been switching between my exam revision, the Internet and my latest acquisition...my one and only all time favourite, the Championship Manager 03/04 which is a strategy soccer computer game.

Basically, I put myself in the hot seat of the manager of an existing soccer team say, Real Madrid, ya know the team Beckham plays for (I see all of you nodding in unison now...women! :) and run the team affairs.

Before you think I'm one of them gaming geeks, I'm not. I'm just a geek. Period. I only play this game and this game only. This is my 12th year playing the same game which comes up with a new version every year. My hand to eye coordination being um, challenged, I automatically suck at every other computer/video games by default.

Back to books!



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I appreciate my mom coming to stay over for the weekend and all but she's interrupting my train of thought. She keeps coming in and out of my room to do her mommy routine. Ya know, "Have you eaten?", "You shouldn't spend so much time at the computer..." and all the you're-still-my-little-boy things.

Like I said, I appreciate her coming but I need to hit my books and when I'm doing something, I don't really like to be bothered. There are times when I would take a break. I could be bothered then but not when I'm on the computer typing my project out. I actually have to think about what to type about hence I've got no time for chit chat.

I've already told her I'm using the weekend to cramp my books into my brain. Guess I need to have a talk with her again later. I'm not trying to ignore her but just seek her understanding on this.



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I've been feeling lethargic lately. I can pretty shut my system down any time. I just have to shut my eyes for a few seconds.

Have I mentioned that I've had a couple of indecent proposals for the past couple of weeks. Very tempting but I've turned them down. I'm not that sort of guy. Funny though.



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Can't make it to KL this weekend. Just occured to me my 2 project submittals and exams are all next week. I'm dead meat!

Phoenix Inc. Business Forum



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As I've written in the post before this, I need a break. I'm being too much of young man in a hurry but all I am doing is to go against the grain.

The moment that triggered me to realize this was when Sharon (MNGZARA) asked me to join her and other friends from M4M for a night out. I so wanted to go since I have been cooped up for so long but I said no I wasn't going.

Although it's quite valid, I worry too much. Much ado about nothing. I'm perpetually broke, I don't wanna go astray, all the usual excuses...but at the end of the day, nothing changes. I'm still that way. Plus there's added pent-up negative energy too.

I realized I shouldn't stop myself from doing what I wanna do. Much as I like to walk a straight line, I'm missing out on the quality of life.

I've always wanted to travel freely, go to a concert, watch plays and musicals, watch a movie under the stars, attend opera and orchestra concerts but I don't have any one to go with and I'm too chicken anyway. I don't like the feeling of not being in control. I think this isn't a positive attitude at all.

So I've been packing my weekend with a balance of things.

I met Sis Lis and Liana at The Blue Cow (my fav pub). Wan, a family friend and Jelte, Liana's boyfriend were there too. I met and made friends with Man the bartender, Chet the American currency broker and the new Caucasian waitress, I forgot her name.

Then the next day I met up for lunch with Kristy, this Filipino girl who works in a bank. She hails from Zurich, Switzerland 4 months ago and we met again today to watch The Passion. She brought her German guy friend, Martin who's working on the Senoko power plant project till around September.

I might be going to KL, depending on how much is left in my pocket, next weekend. I don't know the plan but I do know it's gonna be a group of co-ed Singaporeans and expats, both Asian and Western. We plan to meet up other friends there.

I hope it's not too late for me to release this negative energy in my heart coz it's creeping up my brain.



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I've been pondering as to whether to write this for a week and I guess the best way to deal with it is to try to be straight up with it the best way I can.

I feel so sorry for myself that I feel like apologizing. I've come to the point where I think I might be depressed.

I know where I stand. I know where I wanna be but I feel that at this moment I'm still near the starting line but not on the running track. Simply put, I've lost my direction.

I've been talking to people lately and I thought their summing up of me is quite spot on. 3 months ago I would be stubborn enough not to accept these shortfalls but 3 months later I guess I have to be honest at least to myself.

People tell me that I'm going too fast, trying too achieve too much and I'm stretching myself more than I can manage.

How true. Those on top plus what I'm going through with my family right now is way to much for me. Facing struggles from within day in day out, bottling them all inside is finally taking its toll.

I need to give myself a break before I suffer a breakdown soon. I intend to go to Perth to lay back and lay low early May to rejuvenate my spirit and gather my thoughts. All these walls are making me go nuts. I need wide open spaces. I need to be left alone to self-reflect and decide on how to get back on track.

Hopefully when I return, I've a clearer picture of what I really wanna do. I won't do anything that I don't love, even for the money. That's one of the mistakes I've made recently. I fooled myself into thinking that I should be practical when all I am is a hopeless romantic in the things that I do. What's considered important to other people do not mean they would be important to me and I should be the man that I am and not the man that others want me to be. Life isn't about cooping myself under a shell. It's time I wake up and smell the roses.





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